Now It Makes Sense

In the weeks and months that followed my self-diagnosis of Asperger’s, reruns of past episodes of my childhood played in my mind. I recall one day in particular when I subbed as a teacher’s aide at the elementary school I attended back in my school days.  As it would anyone visiting their childhood school, memories flooded my mind.  It was different though because I was looking back with a new pair of lens.

The knowledge of my living on the Spectrum solved the mystery of why my Mom never had to tell me to do my homework. It explained why I managed to get through my entire adolescence without a curfew. Or, why I had no phone in my room or desire for one. It explained why I was the silent one at the very few parties I attended. It explained the loneliness amidst people while at school, church, visiting relatives, etc.  It explained why loneliness wasn’t around when I played with my imaginary playmates as I paced in some private place. 

It now makes sense why a change in my daily routine was and still is as upsetting as I imagine it would be for a pilot and crew to be in a no-fly zone. I know better why even a slight word of criticism would shut me down.   I do mean down!  Even at my age, criticism has a melting down effect.  I will replay a confrontation where someone scolded me, justified or not, for not only days but years, even decades.  I truly wish I could put such memories in a “trash bin” like I do junk e-mails.

I am so thankful I had my lightbulb moment.  For me, that moment occurred when I was subbing in an Autism unit and observed a child do what I never saw anybody do but for me.  When I saw the child step into her imaginary world in the middle of the classroom, it was like watching my own self at her age. 

Since that moment, much about me started to make sense.  It is like a curtain opened up.  Despite the hardships of the past and present, I accept having Asperger’s. It is better to know than to be in the dark about what is behind my feeling like an alien in the neighborhood.  

If I were asked to describe myself in a few words, it would be a “silent observer”.  I would have said that decades ago.  But since knowing I live on the Spectrum, it makes sense that I am such.